Roberta came to me after experiencing domestic violence that escalated during her divorce proceedings. In our work together, we processed the feelings of fear and anxiety that consumed her days as she tried hopelessly to protect herself from the post separation abuse tactics her ex kept throwing at her.
Two years into our work together, her ex had not stopped the retaliation, but Roberta was finally feeling some emotional safety. As she was in a safer space mentally, we were able to go a little deeper into her history and explore some of the reasons behind the self-blame and shame that came with her into our early work together. Because she had spent many months normalizing and excusing her ex’s behavior, I had assumed that this experience was bringing up some childhood trauma wounds.
Survivors of family trauma and childhood abuse often normalize behaviors such as manipulation and control
My hunch about Roberta was correct. It was also based on over a decade of working with survivors, as well as personal experience. Survivors of childhood abuse often normalize behaviors such as manipulation, control, or emotional volatility.
This is not to victim blame. Many survivors of childhood abuse, myself included, learn to normalize and excuse unhealthy or even abusive behaviors in partners—many of us do not even realize we are doing this. Abuse during childhood can significantly shape how a person views and engages in relationships in adulthood, and research consistently shows that individuals who experience abuse in their family of origin are at an increased risk of experiencing or perpetrating intimate partner violence (IPV) as adults.1,2
Influence of childhood abuse on adult relationships
The experiences of abuse in childhood influence and shape many areas of our development, from our ability to engage in emotional regulation to how we view and engage in interpersonal relationships.3,5 Abuse and trauma in childhood can shape our understanding of relationships, and can lead many of us to gravitate toward unhealthy dynamics where we may normalize power and control in intimate relationships.3 Sometimes this is a matter of feeling comfortable with what we know. Sometimes survivors do not even believe that they deserve better.
In my experience working with survivors, I find that abused children often grow up believing that such behaviors are acceptable or even unavoidable. Many of my clients, (again, I include myself here) may not recognize early warning signs of toxic relationships, as we learned to tolerate or even expect dysfunctional patterns.
For example, children who witness or experience physical abuse may grow up thinking that aggression or violence is a legitimate way to handle conflicts, or those of us who grew up with parents who acted in passive aggressive ways might internalize a fear of healthy forms of communication. As a result, survivors might find themselves in relationships where IPV occurs or might even participate in perpetuating such behaviors.
Many survivors tolerate mistreatment without even recognizing it is abuse.
How abuse survivors may perpetrate IPV
Survivors of abuse may also be more likely to become perpetrators of violence in their intimate relationships. A major reason for this can be explained by the theory of the cycle of violence, which claims that survivors of childhood abuse are more likely to normalize this behavior in adult relationships.2,6
Children who witness or experience abuse in their homes often grow up with the belief that this is the way relationships function. They may become desensitized to violence or see it as a normal part of relationships. The clients who I have worked with who have perpetrated abuse in their relationships often are either desensitized to abusive behaviors and dynamics, or claim to have “lost control” due to extreme feelings. Not only do we mimic what we learn, but the emotional dysregulation many child abuse survivors live with can lead many survivors to struggle to manage emotional triggers.5 When faced with conflict or emotional distress, a survivor might resort to violent outbursts as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions.
Domestic Violence Essential Reads
Many survivors of childhood abuse carry unresolved trauma throughout their lives, making them react in ways that feel disproportionate to the circumstances. For example, a survivor of childhood neglect may feel immense fear when their partner withdraws emotionally, and they may respond with anger to maintain a sense of emotional connection. Having been powerless in their childhood, they may attempt to assert control over their partner in adulthood as a way of reclaiming some sense of power. It is this way that perpetrators of IPV often use their partners as a way to fulfill unmet emotional needs, especially those tied to control and dominance.
Regardless of the reason, it is important to note that experiencing trauma and abuse is never an excuse to perpetuate abuse.
Are we doomed to repeat the cycle?
No. Despite the clear link between experiencing abuse in childhood and being at risk for IPV in adulthood, research shows that the majority of survivors of abuse do not go on to perpetuate or be victims of IPV in adulthood.4
While the link between childhood abuse and IPV can feel scary, it’s essential to recognize that breaking the cycle is possible. Survivors of childhood abuse can learn healthier ways to engage in relationships and protect themselves from abusive patters. Therapy can help individuals understand the impact of their past experiences and provide them with tools for building healthy, non-violent relationships. Also, having a network of people who offer emotional support and guidance is helpful for all survivors. .
If you are looking for support to work through your trauma history or to break the cycle of abuse, seek the support of a therapist who can help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
